99.9 Percent Pure

This is probably going to be the most personal post I have ever made. The reason why I am posting it is because this is weighing heavy on my mind as I reach thirty and its something I had to deal with throughout my life. What also trigger this is the release of the movie "The 40-year-old Virgin" is coming, and its a reminder that I myself am a virgin.

In high school, I was somewhat of a pest to women, as I tried to ask girls out and got shot down all again and again. I did have one girlfriend who was great, but we broke up abruptly, as a rumor had spread about me cheating on her, which was untrue. As much as that one meant, it did teach me about what I really wanted in a woman, and that I do want a relationship more than sexual attention.

But all the shoot downs before and after that, it has still makes me feel gun shy to ask a woman out. Part of it is simply that I don't feel confident enough to ask someone out, that maybe they are too good for me. Another is that I do know who I want and don't make the effort, because I am sure that we will not have the same interests.

So, for the past eleven years, I have been single. Part can also blame on my lifestyle--I never stay in one place for more than a year and a half. But come thirty, it is a big thought on my mind. My career is up in the air and so is my life. The question of what I want and who I want is something I am considering right now.

I do feel I am somewhat left behind when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. It's not a fear of intimacy either, but more of a fear what rejection. Its simply something I have to get over, and when the right woman comes along, I intend on exerting myself. But that begs the question, will she ever cross my path? That is something I have to weigh consider that Ms. Right is not going to just show up. Or that Ms. Right isn't absolutely right.

As for me being a possible homosexual, I am not, although there is nothing wrong with that. (Give yourself a cookie if you can remember where that is from.) I am fully attractive to women and the same awkward feel that Steve Corell's character has is something I can easily relate with.
There is one other thing. Since the rejects have gotten to me, women do have this power over me. It seems that I can't say no to women whenever they ask me something, and I think in the back of my mind they are better than me. This inferiority complex is something that is also hindering my sex life.

So, here it is. What to do? Gain confidence for one. Maybe consider mingling more. Maybe don't doubt myself. There are many things I need but for right now, I need to gain confidence by getting a job.

I feel better now. Laters.